It's a Bird, It's a Plane. It's a Bit of a Letdown

Every once in a while, you wake up in one of those moods. You look out the window at the birds peacefully chirping and say, “Not today.” Sometimes you just don’t want to be serenaded as you drink your mocha frappe chai latte or whatever beverage people are into these days. Maybe you have a bone to pick. I know I do. 

Those birds you see aren’t as innocent as they seem. For years, they’ve been dropping bombs all over the exterior of my car. I’m no St. Francis, but I’m starting to get the sense that these are targeted strikes. That’s why I can no longer stand idly by. It’s time I gave them a piece of my mind. And you better believe it’s going to ruffle all kinds of feathers. Still, something has to be done.

Sure, diplomacy can go a long way. Just not this time. I can’t keep biting my tongue as everyone else tries to keep the illusion alive. Meanwhile, I’m the crazy one, the guy who doesn’t get it when the truth is so painfully obvious.

So I come to you all on this day, ready to lay it out there before the legions of pigeons return to shell whatever's left of my chariot.

I— I don’t … really like Superman. There, I got it off my chest.  Now, who’s with me? Who’s ready to put the Man of Steel in his place once and for all?

The time has come to make our stand while his supporters scramble to get to their pitchforks and keyboards. Yeah, we’ve got them on their heels in classic Lex Luthor fashion. That said, I need to clarify something. I’m not some bald evil genius looking to take over the world and spoil everyone’s fun. If you love some Superman, cool. You do you.  

All I ask is that you let me use a little kryptonite, just this once. Because my biggest issue with Lois Lane’s better half is that he’s bigger than the plot. He’s a symbol more than an actual character.

Think about it. Superman is just too big and powerful for his own good. He’s like our conceptualization of the perfect being. He's “faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive,” and can “leap tall buildings in a single bound.” 

Now tell me, how are you supposed to build a compelling story around someone so grand? How do you maintain the tension and drama when he can probably rearrange the cosmos with one of his farts? Seriously, where do you find a formidable foe for someone like that?

That doesn't mean Superman is a horrible character or completely uninteresting. It’s just that he has such an unfair advantage that basically every story has to be built around his invincibility. It becomes less about watching him rise to meet the moment and more about how the writers can bring him back down to our level long enough to entertain us. That’s the reason a small rock can bring a living god to his knees. He’s a man in desperate need of a vulnerability to keep his power in check.

Then there’s Clark Kent the person. What kind of personal issues could he possibly go through to trump his alter ego? I guess they could make Clark Kent a degenerate gambler. Yeah, he’s on Kalshi betting the over/under on how long it will take him to defeat the giant, intergalactic, four-headed giraffe with plasma cannons for feet.

And that’s why it falls flat for me. At the end of the day, you’re not really playing with a character in the traditional sense. Superman supersedes it all. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they invented that word just for him. 

Again, that doesn’t mean I hate the guy. I just recognize that he is his own weakness when it comes to storytelling. He’s hope manifested—too powerful to be challenged and too perfect to be human. 

Maybe for the lot of you that’s enough to get the job done. For me, I’ll take the flaws. Give me characters that don’t need extraneous circumstances to struggle. Give me tension, growth, grounded drama. More importantly, give me some plot armor. The pigeons are probably not the only ones upset with me now.